Mason's Smiles

Mason's Smiles

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Mason's amazing dad and disciplining/putting up boundaries to an autistic 4 year old


Can I just talk about how amazing Mason (and Jonas') dad is?? 

Now all you may know about Zach is that he's good for a good inappropriate joke. While that may be true, I sometimes think that no one sees the amazingness of Zach, especially in how he parents Mason. To understand Zach's amazingness, you have to understand a little about disciplining and putting up boundaries to a 4 year old with autism.

One of my biggest struggles in parenting Mason is knowing what boundaries to put up and what to let go. I think this is a common struggle for all parents as well. From simple things to sitting at the table during dinner and cleaning up your toys to more complex things like how to respond when he hits.

There are a few extra challenges for a parent of a nonverbal autism kid. Before we knew of Mason's delays and autism, we started trying to discipline and give typical boundaries to a two year old. It always ended in major meltdowns, and it didn't seem to help or change behavior. When he first was tested at almost 2 and a half years old, his receptive communication (what he hears/understands) was measured at 9-12 months. Of course he wasn't responding to us! It's always been hard to know if he comprehends the boundary we are putting up. 

Currently with Mason, he has grown a lot in his communication, so he understands most boundaries we put up. We tell him many times in a day, "No more marshmallows." "Sit on your butt, no standing on the counter." "All done with the swing." Since there is no way he can explain what he thinks about this boundary, he tends to say "no" then scream/hit when we put up a boundary he's mad at. Now if it's a real big deal to him, melting down occurs where there is hitting, kicking, screaming, etc. Then there are potential sensory issues going on as well. If he is overwhelmed or overstimulated because of the environment, the limited communication he has can get thrown out the window because he is under so much stress from his body being off. At this point, many describe it as his body going into a fight or flight response because the stress level has gone up so high! For example, when we say, "All done swinging." He can't tell us, "But I really want to keep swinging. You don't understand." He's trapped without a way to communicate, so his body goes into fight mode. This is when he is disregulated. This is why routine is so important because he understands the boundaries within his routine. There's many more little factors that go into every little boundary for a kid with autism, but you get the point. (:

In teaching anything to Mason, it's finding the fine line of pushing him but not disregulating him. Whether it's teaching him to put his coat in the closet when he gets home or pushing him to say certain sounds that are difficult for him, little things can disregulate him. Minor disregulation happens often. The big thing is finding out how to help regulate him when he is disregulated because, guess what, even if he hits us and thrashes until we are blue in the face, we are never going to let him run in the middle of the road. This is where my awesome husband comes in.

When Mason starts to become disregulated, I want to give up or give in. I've become more aware of this lately and realizing how I need to change this. I get frustrated and feel like there's no way to get him out of his disregulation spiral. Zach is amazing at talking things through with Mason in his disregulated state, which can help him get past it at times. He gets on his level, talks so calmly, and communicates so clearly in a way that Mason can understand that Mason starts to calm and regulate again. Mason's aunt Erin, grandparents, and other special people in his life have this gift as well, but Zach has such a special touch.

This became really apparent to me at the East Kentwood Face-Off for Autism event. This is where the Varsity hockey team and school created a fundraiser to bring awareness to autism and to raise money for the autism classrooms within the district I teach. I was really nervous because we were the host family at the event, and I wanted it to go smoothly. Mason was going to meet the hockey players and get a signed jersey from them. Mason struggles in new public places because he doesn't understand where he can and cannot go. At the event, Mason wanted to go on the ice (understandably). That's the only thing that was on his mind as we walked in to meet the team. As we walked into the locker room with all the hockey players sitting and waiting to give Mason his jersey and puck, Mason was frustrated because he couldn't go on the ice and didn't pay attention to meeting the team. I felt bad because I wanted Mason to show appreciation and show his sweet self. I was just going to leave and accept that this is just how Mason was going to act. Zach knew that we could push past his small disregulation and coaxed Mason to give high fives to all the players, which he even gave them some sweet smiles. Back in the stands Mason was still disregulated from wanting to go on the ice, I just thought we would have to leave. Zach pushed through his now major disregulation/melt down, and Mason gave us a good 10-15 minutes of happiness in the stands. This is a huge victory! I would have just left, but staying shows Mason that when new boundaries are put in place, he can accept and get past them. It also shows him that he can calm from a disregulation state.

Zach is the best father I could ask for to my boys.

Thank you EK Face Off For Autism for your acceptance and for bringing awareness to this difficult disorder that affects so many kids.