As I start cleaning for your birthday, I have so many thoughts about you and that I want to share with you! I think of the first moments of your life. I think of the indescribable love that was born with you. I think of your laugh and smile which can light up a room.
Then suddenly I get angry because I think of your autism. It's taken away your voice. I don't even know what you want for your birthday party. I don't know what gifts you want. I don't know who you want to come. I don't know where you want to go. I don't know what cake you want. I don't know what you want to wear. I don't know what you want to do.
Autism given you more to overcome than any 4 year old should have to worry about. You have to deal with hours of therapy. You have to deal with more stress physically and emotionally than many have dealt with in their lifetimes. You have to deal with a body that doesn't always respond to what your brain wants it to do. You have to deal with the sadness you feel after your body reacts by hitting your mom when you're overwhelmed. You have to deal with learning completely differently than the norm. You have to deal with people who don't understand you or think less of you, which may make them fear you. You have to deal with sensory needs that make it difficult for you to calm yourself or focus on what you want. You have to deal with your body or brain that doesn't allow you to get the sleep you need for the day. You have to deal with the dyspraxia that doesn't allow your body to do what you want. You have to deal with a limited ability to communicate, which affects every single moment and relationship in your life. And sadly, you have to deal with so much more than I can even list off the top of my head.
Sometimes I think of what I would do if I had to deal with everything you dealt with for one day. I can't even imagine how I would deal. All I know is that I would probably not be smiling as much as you do.
And as I clean for your party thinking all these thoughts, I start to wallow in self-pity. Then I hear you giggling to Mickey and repeating all those words from the show. I realize that you don't wallow and feel sorry for yourself. You deal with everything autism has thrown at you. You have more strength and courage than anyone I know...and you don't even know it. You just deal with it. If you deal with it, I can deal with celebrating your 4th birthday by giving you what I figure you want because I know you even though you don't have a voice yet.
For your birthday, you have a kitty cake that you loved, you watched a Mickey Mouse, you got gifts of trains/puzzles/marble run/scooter/train table, you will get to climb & go downs slides at a play place in the morning, and most importantly, you will be surrounded by people who love you unconditionally.
I write this to you because I see the way you deal with all of your obstacles and are gaining steps in overcoming them. That will bring you to a day where I believe you will be able to read this and be able to talk to me about the day you turned four. The day where you inspired me to have even half the strength that you have. My Mason, you are amazing. Happy 4th birthday to you.
Love,
Momma
Not only have you a gift for writing and teaching, you are one of the most gifted mom's I know. The first word that came to mind in reading this was "humbling". I am humbled, knowing that this little delightful fellow continues to light up the world with his sparkle and laugh, excitement and joy and does not let adversity stand in his way from capturing what he can from the moment. We can all learn from him. I see in the process he teaches you as you are teaching him, and in turn you are teaching us. Thank you, Katie and Zach. And happy birthday, Mason man. You truly are a joy!
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