Mason update: being a big brother, hard time dealing with emotions, parent/teacher conferences, OT appointments

Mason is now a big brother to baby Jonas! He has done well at the beginning of this transition. When we were at the hospital, he had a tough few days at school. His teacher said that he would just get upset and frustrated easily compared to normal. Thankfully, we were able to come home from the hospital the day after Jonas was born. I think this helped Mason feel a little more normal. Jonas has not been too fussy these first 6 weeks, which has also been nice for Mason to get used to having a baby around. Mason will come to the baby and say "hi baby" a lot. Sometimes if I'm holding baby J, Mason will point to the baby then point to the baby swing and say "sit." It's his way of telling me that he wants to play with me and not have me hold the baby. I'm thankful he has figured out a way to communicate this with me even though he isn't always patient if I can't put the baby down. Lately he has really liked it when baby Jonas is in the car seat. He like to say hi a lot then and he always makes sure the car seat is coming with us. When he left for school today, he tried to pull the car seat with even though baby wasn't come with him. Other than that, Mason generally ignores the baby like he tends to ignore many other kids. Mason has been great at school again in the last few weeks, which shows that he is feeling more normal. I'm glad this initial transition has gone well.

Lately we've been noticing if Mason sees another kid cry (like really cry not just kind of cry), he stares intently then starts crying himself. It's not a normal Mason cry or a tantrum, but it is extreme sadness and crocodile tears. His teacher says it happens at school, it happens at daycare, it has happened a few times around his cousins, and of course it happens with Jonas. It's so sad to see his big blue eyes look to me in confusion then he just starts belly crying. It's like he doesn't know what to do with the sound or with all of that emotion that someone else is feeling. I wish I could explain and help him navigate some of those difficult emotions. It's important to be aware of others' emotions, so it's a good thing that he is slowing down enough to notice others around him and their emotions. The tough part is how to help him understand and normalize their emotions. It's hard helping Mason deal with his own emotions since he is limited with his communication, but I had never really thought about how to help him navigate the emotions of other people.

We had Mason's parent/teacher conferences last week. His teacher said that she loves Mason's big smile and excitement over certain things. It was great to hear about Mason's progress. We are pleasantly surprised with how quickly he is understanding and adapting to the routine. His teacher said that he really picks up on things quickly. He is starting to use more words in the classroom, using his utensils better, accomplishing certain skills, and participate more in classroom activities. One of the big things is that he is starting to recognize pictures of himself. Every day he has to take his picture off the wall and put it onto the picture of school. He has just started to search for his own picture (instead of just taking a random one off the wall) and putting it on the school himself instead of the teacher telling him to do it. We are glad that he is noticing and participating in these little routines and tasks because it will help him visualize his day and deal with transitions. I (of course) asked a lot of questions about everything. One big thing I found out is that he may qualify for summer school because he is at a critical learning point, and they don't want him to lose any skills that he has developed.

Mason's OT appointments have been going really well lately. Zach had been taking him while I was on bedrest and just after Jonas was born, but I was finally able to go with him again last week. Mason has been bringing smiles to many people there. It's fun to see him be the Mason we know and love in other settings. If you know Mason, you know that when he's excited about something, he's not quiet about it. When walks into the OT waiting room, he walks around looking for his therapist. As soon as he finds her, she asks, "Mason are you ready to go back and play?" Mason always happily screams, "Yeah!" Then he dances around and runs back. I may be biased, but it's the cutest thing ever and can bring a smile to anyone around him. During the sessions, Mason has been getting stuck in a routine with play during his appointments. His therapist wanted to push him and took him to a new room to try to incorporate new ideas. Mason struggled with the transition, but his tantrum only lasted 8 minutes. Remember back to his early appointments where his tantrums would last almost the entire sessions? I love that his therapist is not afraid to push him and help him through his tantrums because that is going to help him so much more in the future!

Mason's first 3 weeks at preschool and preparing for his baby brother

I thought I would be blogging more since I've been on bedrest, but I find my brain a little more foggy than usual. The end is in sight as I am being induced on Wednesday. As much as I have hated being on bedrest, I am grateful for some things that bedrest has allowed me to do. I've been able to spend a lot of time with my sister-in-law Erin, niece Helen, and nephew Bo since they have and will be watching Mason most days (and they've been taking care of me). Besides feeling closer with all of them, I think it's helped Mason transition to this new change in his schedule better. Even though I'm not bringing him to school or taking care of his every need, I'm around him as others are taking care of him. This week will be the true test of how he does with the new schedule and with me not around.

Mason has done so well at school these first three weeks. He seems to love his teacher and blows her a kiss every day as he leaves. He even runs right into his classroom without a backwards glance at Zach, grandma, or grandpa (who takes turns dropping him off).  We've gotten some notes from his teacher and speech therapist on different days. Most days he has participated fully and enjoys most activities. Mason has a lot more "words" lately, but they want to work on the quality of his sounds/words. Here is a note from his speech therapist after a cool activity last Friday that integrated all the different therapists and teachers: 

We really have noticed a lot of improvements at home too. I wish I knew all the strategies his teachers/therapists know! I never knew how many strategies there are to help kids learn who learn differently than normal!! The biggest area we've noticed improvements in is communication. It's such a broad area to explain and some of the improvements are hard to explain unless you experience Mason every day. We definitely notice him following our directions more and he tries to communicate more. For example, we FaceTime with a lot of people but especially his Aunt Jenni, Uncle Lucas, and cousin Phineas in Seattle. Normally, he either ignores the fact that we are trying to get him to say hi/wave to them or he tries to take my phone to play games. This past week, he sat down to look at Aunt Jenni, he pointed and said "baby" to Phineas, he waved and said "hi," and he (kinda) blew a kiss. That was so impressive to see him not only follow directions to say/do communication tasks, but also do it over a FaceTime call.

I've been thinking and appreciating some of my favorite Mason-isms as I get closer to delivering his new baby brother. Thinking of this big life change for our family has made me feel nostalgic. One of my favorite things about Mason is when he experiences his happiness to the fullest. He has no shame, thought, nervousness, or social norms that he thinks about when experiencing any emotion. When he is getting annoyed at me laying on the couch, he pulls the blanket off of me and tries to drag me by the hand to play trains with him. Then I ask, "Mason, do you want mama to come play trains with you?" His response is the purest, most joyful, "Yeah!" This is just a simple task that I was able to put words to where he felt acknowledged and understood. I love hearing his "Yeah" for all the little things he gets excited about. I have said it before, but I love his happy face and huge smile while he's on the swing. You know you are seeing Mason when everything is right in his world. It's relief, stress-free, joy, and  peace that he is experiencing. I love experiencing his happiness with him because it feels like I am giving him a gift of making sense of the world around him. Now, I will add that the flip side is that we get to experience the full brunt of negative emotions, which to say is challenging is an understatement. It's painful to feel helpless in how to help him make sense of consequences and so many general life experiences.

We are excited for meeting baby boy McCurdy this upcoming week and hoping that this transition goes as smoothly as possible for Mason. Before I went to the hospital to have Mason, I remember looking at our old dog Maggie and thinking, "How can I love a child as much or more than I love my Maggie." Nothing could prepare me for the love I feel for Mason. Now I sit and think, "How can I love another child as much as I love my Mason." I can't wait to be overwhelmed by the all-consuming love for this next son.

Preschool has started!!!

Mason is starting his second week at Ken-O-Sha preschool. He has 7 other kids in his class with 4 adults.  Our entire routine has changed. My amazing sister-in-law Erin has been coming to our house to take care of Mason (and future new baby) as well as her own two kiddos four days a week. Mason still gets to see his wonderful Miss Patti one day a week. We decided against using the bus to take him to preschool at this point because he would have to be on the bus for over an hour each way. My parents, Zach, and Erin have all adjusted their whole schedules to help get him there and back. Don't I just have the most helpful, amazing family ever?!

Mason has adjusted better to preschool than I ever hoped. He's had a few rough drop offs where he didn't like seeing Zach or my parents leaving, which is totally normal. His teacher has said that he is learning the new routine quite quickly and starting to watch the other kids to see what's going on. He's starting to participate in the activities better instead of just sit in circle time for a minute then leaving to do his own thing. They did ask for ideas on what works for him when he enters his crazy tantrum zones. Last week, they were excited because he said a few words that they asked him to say. Today, they said he made it through the entire day without one tantrum!

I'm so happy that he has done well with this transition. He's excited to see his teacher and even blew her a kiss goodbye the other day. I can't wait to see how much he grows and develops there with teachers and other adults who are trained to help him learn in the best way for him. I'm sad that I can't pick up, drop off, or spy on the class. I totally want to be a helicopter parent. 😊 Letting go is hard!!!! 

Why the kittens have been awesome for Mason

5. Distraction

When Mason gets his mind set on certain things, there are not a lot of ways to change it unless you want a 30 minute insane tantrum. It's really not fun setting boundaries for him (true for most toddlers!). There are a few high value distractions that sometimes work: Mickey Mouse, seeing grandpa Ron and grandma Ginny, chocolate milk, fruit snacks, and the kittens!  It's nice having another high value distraction that doesn't have to rely on TV, people who may not be home, or sugary drinks/food.

4. Slowing down and noticing
One thing all of Mason's therapists talk about is helping Mason slow down enough to notice the world around him. He walks on his toes and his vision is usually looking upwards instead of around, which causes him to be clumsy and to not notice where he walks. Mason is also not very aware of how he could hurt other people by stepping on them or hitting them too hard.  Since the kittens are of high value to him, he tends to notice when they are on the ground around him.  He wants them to stay by him, so he is learning that if he steps on them, they will run away.  He is also figuring out how to touch them more gently.  This helps him TREMENDOUSLY.  We were at his daycare Christmas party with a lot of other people, I watched him notice multiple people on the ground and he walked around him.  This may seem like a little thing, but with a new baby brother coming, we need him to notice people on the ground. Obviously, his other therapies have also helped him in this area, but I really think the kittens have made a big difference.

3. Lower stress
There have been many studies about the emotional benefits of having a pet.  I know that having pets have always made me happier.  Since Mason's physical body is under constant stress, these kittens always bring out Mason's happy voice.  If I hear Mason jabbering from another room, I can tell if he is "talking" to the cats.  He has a certain happy voice that he only uses with them.  The other day, my wonderful friends from Minnesota were visiting and pushing him on the swing. The kittens were sitting on a table directly in view. For a good 5-10 minutes, he happily said "Kiiiiii" over and over again. It made it hard to talk with my friends, but it makes my heart happy to hear him be so happy.

2. Communication

Every time we see a person or leave a person, I still try to get him to acknowledge or say hi/bye to them. He does it sometimes. We ask him to point to things or name objects, he sometimes does it. Whenever we ask him to point to the cat's nose or something else about the cat, he always does it. He always says "hi" to the kittens and sometimes tries to give them milk from his sippy cup. It's awesome to see consistent communication!

1.  Love

What is more important that giving your child something to love? One of Mason's therapists said that for him (and others like him) animals can be easier to be around because there are less confusing expectations and emotions for him to deal with. I love that he has two kittens that bring him such joy, comfort, and love.

December McCurdy update = stress, commitment, development, STRESS, anticipation

December has been a busy month for us.  I've been really exhausted, so the goal was just to make it through healthy.  Unfortunately, Zach got the flu and was sick for almost a week.  On top of that, my blood pressure rose.  Since I had preeclampsia was Mason as well as a second trimester miscarriage, we were obviously quite stressed about it.  It rose high enough where I had to go into the hospital. Thankfully, it lowered enough to be discharged and my other labs showed that I did not reach the danger zone for preeclampsia. I've been laying low to try to keep myself and baby boy healthy.  My doctor's appointment and ultrasound in two days will hopefully show that things are still going well.

Mason only had one speech appointment before our speech therapist had her baby and left on maternity leave. She is really pushing us to use more pictures/visuals with him.  One of the hardest things in communicating with Mason is to help him mentally prepare and comprehend situations when his verbal communication is quite low.  He loves routine because it helps him makes sense of this world that his body and mind can't make sense of, but unfortunately, life does not work as a perfect routine. It's hard to know what he has mentally prepared in his head, so it's hard to predict when he will have a melt down because his mind was thinking something different.  For example, we went to Costco this morning instead of our usual Meijer routine.  As soon as we turn in the parking lot, it was major meltdown. We had told him that we were going to Costco, but he didn't comprehend it until we were in the parking lot. Using pictures could help us and him with this communication gap. The technique hasn't felt very successful with Mason yet, but I need to push myself to keep working on it.  As with any technique, repetition is key.  I sometimes see his therapist keep repeating a phrase or action, and I think, "There's no way he is understanding or following through with this." For example, Mason would try to climb a ladder with a ball in his hand every week, and she would repeatedly tell and show him to give it to her before trying to climb.  He never followed through. This week he finally gave the ball to her before trying to climb.  It may have taken months for a simple task, but repeating things verbally and visually is so key to helping him.

Mason had rough OT appointment at the beginning of the month, but he ended on a good note with both OTs.  He was really just disregulated for no real reason at the appointments.  Sometimes I can figure out that he is disregulated because he is tired, hungry, had a different idea in his head, etc.  He was just off.  He didn't really follow through with his ideas and wouldn't listen to other ideass. That means that he wouldn't really play with anything well, which can make it difficult to have a productive therapy session.  One of our OTs said that there have been such big steps in his communication that it can cause some disregulation because he of big changes.  He has also been asserting his independence and voice more, which is great developmentally but not nice with his regulation.  The OT place where he always has a meltdown just changed buildings.  Overall, he is doing much better with new buildings and places.  He is still nervous but does not have major meltdowns. I think the change of buildings was really good for him.  I wonder if he was always triggered with negative feelings at the old building, so he was able to create a new normal at the new building.  Hoping that we are continuing on a good wave of appointments after the new year starts.

The absolutely BIGGEST stressor for Zach and I right now is Mason starting preschool.  It is a change in almost every routine that Mason currently has in place.  He only be going to his current daycare one day a week.  Zach and my mom will be transporting him to and from preschool on those days. My amazing sister-in-law will be bringing her two kids to our house and will be watching Mason the other four days of the week.  He will also be riding on the bus to his preschool these days. Because there is no way to communicate these HUGE changes in routine to Mason, I know this will be VERY hard for him.  He will be on the bus for around 50 minutes each way. Honestly, I cry whenever I think about it, and I'm not a big crier.  He is familiar with his school since we have been taking him there for speech therapy sessions.  He has met his teacher and parapros, but he does not know them.  I am confident that this will be a great experience for him, and he will grow so much.  I am so excited about that.  I am absolutely torn up inside about watching him be so confused and upset about it all in the beginning. It's painful for any parent knowing their child is in pain (physically or emotionally) without being able to do anything about it.  That's how I feel about January.  I hope he adapts to the changes quickly and then looks forward to his new routine because having a new baby brother will be another rough transition for him.

Thanks for checking in with us. We are taking everything day by day!!

OT, Orthotics, 3 year well visit, Oils, and Pictures

Here are some pictures to start.  Mason loved sitting in this cubby in my dollhouse that I had growing up.  He was so happy and comfortable here that he pointed and said "hi" to everyone in the room...even our Canadian guests. (=

These are some brave kittens because about 10 seconds after the picture, Mason tried to get them in the bathtub with him.

 Laying by Yoda.

 Ninja tv watching Mason.

 Cute Yoda!! (Thanks for taking the pictures Joelle)

 This kid gets so much exercise while watching Mickey.

Mason's appointment schedule has been a little off in the last week or two.  Last week, his speech and OT appointment were canceled because of the snow.  He did have his second OT appointment where my dad came to the appointment.  The OT commented that Mason is so different depending on who is there with him.  Mason was very engaged in playing throughout the appointment.  He was not very good at settling down and letting her do some body work with him. This is not something she ever pushes because it's important for him (and anyone) to be able to communicate that you don't want someone touching you. We were able to talk through some things though.  One way we engage with Mason all the time is wrestling and tickling.  Because his body needs input, he loves it.  She had an interesting thought about tickling him.  Since his body and reflexes are off in how it responds to a lot of touches, tickling may confuse his brain more in how it is supposed to respond.  All the body work includes purposeful, routine movements on him.  This is supposed to create a specific response, which it usually does.  If we tickle him, it can throw his brain off in knowing how to response because it is not purposeful.  It was an interesting thought that we have been processing.  I probably did not explain it nearly as good as she explained it to me, but this is what I understood from her. (=

He does not have any of his three appointments this week because of Thanksgiving and therapists taking vacation.  He did see an orthotic doctor from Mary Free Bed yesterday.  The doctor is so great because he came to Mason's preschool to meet with him and other students.  The doctor, his school physical therapist, and his speech therapist (who came in on her vacation to be there Mason!!) were all in the room for the appointment. It's was an awesome opportunity because Mason is familiar and comfortable in his school now, and Mason behaved perfectly!!  He allowed the doctor to trace his foot and try on different orthotic sizes on him. He even wanted to include all of us in his play by pulling everyone over to where he was playing.  It was so awesome to see him engage with two brand new people without any prompting.  He played as we were all discussing options for his orthotics. The goal for the orthotic is to give him arch support to help his overall balance as well as preventing him from toe walking.  If he continues to toe walk too much, the tendon in his calf may not grow as long as it should, and he may need to have surgery/casts to repair it.  They did not want to give Mason too stiff of an orthotic (that goes all the way up his leg) because it is really important for Mason to experience all the sensations and reflexes of the foot movement.  He needs to learn how to make sense of these sensations, so if an orthotic takes the sensations away, it can be detrimental to his sensory processing.  Who knew there was so much to think about with feet?!?  They decided to do a thin bilateral orthotic insert (to give the support) with a thin carbon plate on top (to stop toe walking). We will also have to get two sets of tennis shoes (one for inside and one for outside) with a removable insert, so we can put the orthotic inside. We will get a call next week letting us know how much it will cost and how much our insurance will cover. Fingers crossed that our insurance covers most of all of it!

Here is one part of the sensory room at Mason's school.  What kid wouldn't want to play here?

He also had his 3 year well-visit appointment with his pediatrician yesterday.  We have not been to his pediatrician since his 2 year well-visit since all of his evaluations have been done through the school district.  Just a few things to update them about. (=  Mason was perfectly behaved at this appointment as well!!  He weighs 38 pounds (95th percentile) and is 38 inches tall (75th percentile). She said that physically he looks really healthy. I updated the doctor on everything going on with Mason and what therapies we have in place. She asked about potty training, which I said was something I have no clue how to do with him since he has trouble communicating many needs and would sit in his poop for days without noticing. She gave me the name of a book about potty training developmentally delayed children and thinks we can do it before he is 4. I think that'll be my summer project. (=  We also need to take him to the dentist in the next year...another experience I am not looking forward to, but she gave me the names of some great pediatric dentists that work with all kinds of kids. The biggest part of the appointment is that she strongly recommended going to Devos Children's Hospital to get him tested for autism. She said that it takes approximately a year to get in for the testing, so starting the referral process now is really important. Getting diagnosed with autism could open up more services that can be helpful.  We are open to any testing that could be beneficial, so we started the referral process.

I have heard a lot of people talking about essential oils on facebook and other places.  My daycare provider started telling me that she heard oils can help kids with sensory issues or autism.  I started doing some research and saw a lot of information validating the benefits, so I jumped on the essential oils bandwagon.  I bought mine through Native American Nutritionals after researching all the companies that sell them. We've been using them on Mason for a week now.  It's hard to tell if they are making a difference or if he is just having a good day.  We will see if they help over time.  This is a stretch for me as I am usually a skeptic on things like this. (=

All of these appointments and strategies can make you overwhelmed and second-guess yourself. There is no perfect way to navigate this process.  Since every kid with SPD or autism are all so different, there is no set formula to follow.  So many questions...Should we have gone through our doctor and gotten Mason evaluated for autism earlier?  Are the orthotics going to inhibit his processing of the normal walking sensations too much?  We got tubes put in his ear in May, should we have gotten them earlier or did putting the tubes in mess up his sensory/auditory processing more?  Which OT is more valuable as we won't be able to continue seeing both every week once my insurance restarts in January?  It's important to remember that we make the best decisions with the information that we have at the time.  Hindsight is 20/20, so of course, we are going to wish we did a few things differently while looking back. I am happy with what we have in place for Mason right now and in the future, so I will focus on that!

Grief, It's What Brings Me Joy

Grief. The word that has continuously ran through my head in this past year.

When I think of the word "grief," I think of the the most major losses in life.  Death of a family member or close friend. Diagnosis of a terminal illnesses.  These are the the overwhelming, all-encompassing grieving experiences that no other person can understand, and it changes your life forever.

In the past, I have felt guilty if I felt "negative" feelings or grieved "smaller" experiences.  I believed my situation wasn't as bad as other peoples' situations, so I had no reason to complain. I felt that grieving or being upset meant that I was not grateful for what I had in life.  I thought that being upset was taking away from those who had more difficult situations to be upset about. I felt that I wasn't trusting in God enough. I look back and realized. I never really grieved. I never really allowed myself to be upset that life was tough.  I never really processed whatever loss I faced.  I just tried to push past the situations as fast as I could feeling like I was being strong and thought I had a lot of faith since I was able to "let go and let God."

I realize now that I was limiting my ability to experience the joy in life.

In my experience, some of the most important things to grieve are your personal dreams and expectations in life.  From smaller life expectations of being sad about canceled plans to big life expectations where someone dreams about being pregnant and can't get pregnant. Whether the grieving process is talking to a friend for an hour or the grieving process is going to counseling to help you through an arduous life long experience that continually triggers grief throughout life, I really believe experiencing the grief in each situation is essential to moving to experiencing the joys of life.

Sometimes friends or family don't know what to say or do when someone is grieving.  It is so hard for people to sit in the pain with you. They care about you, so they want to make it better or somehow make you feel better.  When my brother and sister-in-law moved across the country, others said "at least we have skype nowadays" or "it's a great opportunity for them" or "God always has a plan." Don't get me wrong, those phrases they said could be completely true, and they are really important to remember. I've probably said these to others myself. The problem is they don't validate that the grieving feelings are hard and overwhelmingly sad at times.  It's okay to grieve and feel those negative emotions.  In fact, I would argue that it is so vital to feel those feelings or else you will hold them inside for years without even knowing it.  They fester and come out in other painful ways. Experiencing your grief and getting help from friends and family allows you to truly feel the joy of life.

November 20, 2013 was when one of my dreams and life expectations came crashing down.  As I experienced the physical and emotional pain of delivering my 20 week old stillborn daughter, I kept thinking about how everything had changed.  In reality, the biggest thing that had changed were my dreams and expectations.  I had dreamed about having a daughter for my whole life.  I have an amazing relationship with my own mom and couldn't wait to have the same thing with my own daughter.  I expected to buy adorable leggings and tutus.  I never expected to hold my only daughter as a stillborn in my arms.  To count her fingers and toes then to be left with an emptiness of dreams.

March 2014 was when a tougher grieving process began for us with Mason's diagnosis of pervasive developmental delays and sensory processing disorder.  I didn't expect the journey into the unknown. I didn't expect to take my son to multiple therapists weekly.  I didn't expect to have no clear prognosis in his development.  I didn't expect to have any diagnosis for him much less to be looking at multiple diagnoses. I had dreamt about Mason playing with other kids his age.  I had dreamt about Mason talking to us and saying, "I love you."  I had dreamt about Mason playing outside in our neighborhood with our neighbors.  I dreamt about taking Mason to the fun kid-friendly places that my friends took their kids. Grieving these dreams can be so difficult because every milestone brings another trigger of grief.

There are times when the grief has been overwhelming.  Many times I haven't been healthy in my grieving. Sometimes I don't want to grieve because even that is too much.  There are times when I compare my life and grief to others, which is a dangerous road to go down. Other times I feel guilty for grieving when so many people have it worse.  Then there are times where I just want to wallow in my sad emotions.  I find when I am in one of those times, I experience so much more bitterness and resentfulness to everything.  In those times, I feel bitter seeing a typical two year old tell their mama "I love you."  In those times, I feel bitter about kids trick-or-treating.  In those times, I feel bitter at others for being happy. I hate being bitter and negative.  It's not how I want to live my life.  I know those times don't bring out the best in me as a friend, as a mom, as a wife, or as a person. It's exhausting being around a negative, bitter person. Having those times in the grieving process can be completely normal, but the problem occurs when you get stuck in those times. Healthy grief is being able to move past those time...because those times will come into all of our lives.

Moving past those times is a continual process.  It's a roller coaster where one week I am in a joyful place, and the next week, I fall into bitter grief. It takes so much support to get to a healthy grief.  I am beyond grateful to have that support.  I have an amazing husband who balances me and supports me in whatever I do with no questions asked. I have so many family and friends that I can talk to about everything I am going through.  I have people in my life who will sit in my pain with me without trying to "fix" my pain for me.  I have people in my life who take me out to have fun.

All of this has brought me to a place where I can experience the joys and the happiness in life.  I had to change my expectations and dreams. Mason held his kitty this weekend, pointed to her nose, and said "nose." I'm able to experience the joy in this instead of being bitter that he didn't do this a year ago.  Mason shared a toy with a kid at daycare yesterday.  I am able to experience the joy in this instead of being bitter that he hasn't done this before.  Mason looked at and acknowledged the doctor and physical therapist at his orthotic appointment today then even pulled them over to include them in his play. I am able to joke about the fact that many parents deal with their two year old talking back to them with attitude, but we don't have to experience that since Mason doesn't really talk yet.  I am able to truly feel happiness when I see my sweet two year old nephew sing every word to Raffi songs even though Mason is not able to talk much less sing. I am able to feel the joy of the kicks of my next little son instead of being bitter that it is not my little girl. I know I would not be in this place if I did not allow myself to truly grieve and process my lost dreams and expectations.

I share this with you all because we all have something to grieve in life no matter how big or small you perceive it may be.  The holiday time of year is supposed to be the happiest time of year yet it is a grief trigger for many people. I hope you get the help and support you need to grieve in a healthy way.  I hope you can experience as much happiness in life as I have been able to experience. Thank you for your support of our family as it has helped me grieve. There is so much in my life that I am thankful for. I am so glad that my grief is allowing me to experience joy instead of bitterness.