Grief, It's What Brings Me Joy

Grief. The word that has continuously ran through my head in this past year.

When I think of the word "grief," I think of the the most major losses in life.  Death of a family member or close friend. Diagnosis of a terminal illnesses.  These are the the overwhelming, all-encompassing grieving experiences that no other person can understand, and it changes your life forever.

In the past, I have felt guilty if I felt "negative" feelings or grieved "smaller" experiences.  I believed my situation wasn't as bad as other peoples' situations, so I had no reason to complain. I felt that grieving or being upset meant that I was not grateful for what I had in life.  I thought that being upset was taking away from those who had more difficult situations to be upset about. I felt that I wasn't trusting in God enough. I look back and realized. I never really grieved. I never really allowed myself to be upset that life was tough.  I never really processed whatever loss I faced.  I just tried to push past the situations as fast as I could feeling like I was being strong and thought I had a lot of faith since I was able to "let go and let God."

I realize now that I was limiting my ability to experience the joy in life.

In my experience, some of the most important things to grieve are your personal dreams and expectations in life.  From smaller life expectations of being sad about canceled plans to big life expectations where someone dreams about being pregnant and can't get pregnant. Whether the grieving process is talking to a friend for an hour or the grieving process is going to counseling to help you through an arduous life long experience that continually triggers grief throughout life, I really believe experiencing the grief in each situation is essential to moving to experiencing the joys of life.

Sometimes friends or family don't know what to say or do when someone is grieving.  It is so hard for people to sit in the pain with you. They care about you, so they want to make it better or somehow make you feel better.  When my brother and sister-in-law moved across the country, others said "at least we have skype nowadays" or "it's a great opportunity for them" or "God always has a plan." Don't get me wrong, those phrases they said could be completely true, and they are really important to remember. I've probably said these to others myself. The problem is they don't validate that the grieving feelings are hard and overwhelmingly sad at times.  It's okay to grieve and feel those negative emotions.  In fact, I would argue that it is so vital to feel those feelings or else you will hold them inside for years without even knowing it.  They fester and come out in other painful ways. Experiencing your grief and getting help from friends and family allows you to truly feel the joy of life.

November 20, 2013 was when one of my dreams and life expectations came crashing down.  As I experienced the physical and emotional pain of delivering my 20 week old stillborn daughter, I kept thinking about how everything had changed.  In reality, the biggest thing that had changed were my dreams and expectations.  I had dreamed about having a daughter for my whole life.  I have an amazing relationship with my own mom and couldn't wait to have the same thing with my own daughter.  I expected to buy adorable leggings and tutus.  I never expected to hold my only daughter as a stillborn in my arms.  To count her fingers and toes then to be left with an emptiness of dreams.

March 2014 was when a tougher grieving process began for us with Mason's diagnosis of pervasive developmental delays and sensory processing disorder.  I didn't expect the journey into the unknown. I didn't expect to take my son to multiple therapists weekly.  I didn't expect to have no clear prognosis in his development.  I didn't expect to have any diagnosis for him much less to be looking at multiple diagnoses. I had dreamt about Mason playing with other kids his age.  I had dreamt about Mason talking to us and saying, "I love you."  I had dreamt about Mason playing outside in our neighborhood with our neighbors.  I dreamt about taking Mason to the fun kid-friendly places that my friends took their kids. Grieving these dreams can be so difficult because every milestone brings another trigger of grief.

There are times when the grief has been overwhelming.  Many times I haven't been healthy in my grieving. Sometimes I don't want to grieve because even that is too much.  There are times when I compare my life and grief to others, which is a dangerous road to go down. Other times I feel guilty for grieving when so many people have it worse.  Then there are times where I just want to wallow in my sad emotions.  I find when I am in one of those times, I experience so much more bitterness and resentfulness to everything.  In those times, I feel bitter seeing a typical two year old tell their mama "I love you."  In those times, I feel bitter about kids trick-or-treating.  In those times, I feel bitter at others for being happy. I hate being bitter and negative.  It's not how I want to live my life.  I know those times don't bring out the best in me as a friend, as a mom, as a wife, or as a person. It's exhausting being around a negative, bitter person. Having those times in the grieving process can be completely normal, but the problem occurs when you get stuck in those times. Healthy grief is being able to move past those time...because those times will come into all of our lives.

Moving past those times is a continual process.  It's a roller coaster where one week I am in a joyful place, and the next week, I fall into bitter grief. It takes so much support to get to a healthy grief.  I am beyond grateful to have that support.  I have an amazing husband who balances me and supports me in whatever I do with no questions asked. I have so many family and friends that I can talk to about everything I am going through.  I have people in my life who will sit in my pain with me without trying to "fix" my pain for me.  I have people in my life who take me out to have fun.

All of this has brought me to a place where I can experience the joys and the happiness in life.  I had to change my expectations and dreams. Mason held his kitty this weekend, pointed to her nose, and said "nose." I'm able to experience the joy in this instead of being bitter that he didn't do this a year ago.  Mason shared a toy with a kid at daycare yesterday.  I am able to experience the joy in this instead of being bitter that he hasn't done this before.  Mason looked at and acknowledged the doctor and physical therapist at his orthotic appointment today then even pulled them over to include them in his play. I am able to joke about the fact that many parents deal with their two year old talking back to them with attitude, but we don't have to experience that since Mason doesn't really talk yet.  I am able to truly feel happiness when I see my sweet two year old nephew sing every word to Raffi songs even though Mason is not able to talk much less sing. I am able to feel the joy of the kicks of my next little son instead of being bitter that it is not my little girl. I know I would not be in this place if I did not allow myself to truly grieve and process my lost dreams and expectations.

I share this with you all because we all have something to grieve in life no matter how big or small you perceive it may be.  The holiday time of year is supposed to be the happiest time of year yet it is a grief trigger for many people. I hope you get the help and support you need to grieve in a healthy way.  I hope you can experience as much happiness in life as I have been able to experience. Thank you for your support of our family as it has helped me grieve. There is so much in my life that I am thankful for. I am so glad that my grief is allowing me to experience joy instead of bitterness.