Rough week

It's been one of those weeks. Sometimes things just hit you in different ways.  Mason didn't do anything differently this week.  He was his usual self.  In fact, he had a lot of sweet moments.  Some weeks its easy to take things day by day and focus on the positive things.  Some weeks everything is overwhelming and hard to handle.

We had Mason's IEP on Tuesday, which may be one of the reasons why everything hit us hard this week. The meeting went great though. We got to meet his future preschool teacher and had a tour of the school.  We met with his current speech therapist and the placement coordinator to go through his testing results and goals for Mason once he starts preschool in January.  Mason has definitely grown a lot in the last 6 months since we began services through Early On.  There are four areas that they measured and where Mason will receive services from special education. His receptive communication (understanding of communication) moved from 6-9 months developmentally to 14-20 months.  His expressive communication (words and actions to communicate with others) moved from 9-12 months developmentally to 17-23 months. His social and emotional skills are measuring scattered up to 24 months.  The new area is his gross motor skills. They range from 18-24 months. His ankles roll inward, he stands on the arch of his feet, and his feet are turned outward.  They will talk to us more about maybe putting him in orthotics.  Mason's body and movements are quite clumsy and immature.  It's great hearing what they are going to do for Mason, but it just looks overwhelming to see all the areas he needs help in.

His two OT appointments this week went pretty well.  He always loves playing at his first OT.  He didn't have any "insane" tantrums at the second appointment.  He definitely had a bunch of tantrums wanting to leave the room though.  I will take any tantrum that doesn't reach what I term "insane tantrum" status.  The last 30 minutes were really great though.  He completely calmed and laid on the OT as she was able to do a lot of body work with his auditory processing reflexes.

Halloween and other "normal" kid things always amplify the differences and struggles with Mason too. He doesn't like to wear costumes.  He doesn't even remotely understand what Halloween or a holiday is. He tantrums when we walk outside in a different order than we usually do.  He has no idea that his birthday is next weekend.  He wouldn't like a party. He generally ignores new people. He doesn't enjoy normal kid activities. It's hard watching others do things with their kids that we would love to do with Mason.  Simple things like saying "trick or treat" or walking from house to house without a major meltdown.  Last year before we knew what was going on with Mason, I remember trying to get Mason to do some Halloween traditions.  It was awful.  He tantrumed through everything.  This year, we just put a Micky Mouse on and put him to bed on time.  It was less stress, but it didn't make me less sad about not walking out in the blistering cold watching your kid happily or even have normal tantrums through the Halloween traditions.

I am so grateful for all the people who will be helping Mason.  I'm thankful that there is a school and a great team of teachers that are going to work with him,  To be very honest though, I just feel quite overwhelmed and defeated about it at times.  There are so many areas Mason needs help in.  There are so many people and services that are needed to help him through this. There are so many people we need to rely on. There are so many unknowns about his future.  There is a so much stress figuring this all out.  There is no way to know what the right decisions always are and there are so many decisions to always have to make. There are so many complexities to Mason and to the whole process.

I want you to know that we are hopeful, but I think it's important to be honest about how overwhelming this all is for us.  I know that others are going through so many more heavy things than we are as a family.  My heart always goes out to them.  I am always grateful for amazing love from family and friends.

It's been a heavy week.  I don't know how else to describe it.  I find it so strange that through everything, I can't even wish for Mason to not be Mason.  I can't help but completely love every single part of who he is.  I don't get it.  I know the love of a mother is powerful...but I truly understand that the love of a mother of a special needs child like Mason is all-encompassing.