Today has probably been one of Mason's worst days with his emotional regulation. It always hits when you don't expect it. He's had bad tantrums, but it's been months since an insane one. He almost always has an ok or good day at school. His teacher had just told us that Friday was probably his best day at school ever. Then a bad night of sleep happens. Other parents of autistic kids know that sleep for a kid with autism is like a roller coaster. Sometimes their little bodies and minds have a hard time settling even if they desperately need sleep.
As I woke up to feed Jonas at 2am, I heard Mason awake in his room. I knew that was a bad sign. He woke up not fully rested. His teacher said that he wouldn't stop crying or tantruming at school. I got a call from the school nurse saying that Mason wouldn't stop tantruming. He threw himself on the ground and hit his head pretty hard. She said that he wouldn't settle down and we needed to pick him up. Zach left work to get him. All I wanted to do was to leave work and take care of him.
Thankfully Mason was happy when Zach picked him up. Mason and his daddy had some nice snuggle time. Unfortunately, Mason couldn't fall asleep for a nap. His danced and ran in place happily in his room, but he would not sleep. Then he pooped. And took his diaper off. And had poop all over himself. And then has a bath. He has the best daddy ever.
After bath and relaxing with daddy and mama, it was time for bed. Unfortunately while in his room, Mason found and developed an obsession to a cap to a bottle that he had snuck in. We took it because it was a choking hazard. That's when all hell and destruction broke loose. Mason banged and pulled on the blinds. He yanked down his curtains. He pulled on the one shelf in his room. He pulled down his headboard. He tried to pull off the duct tape the tapes the two cords to the wall. He banged his head on the wall. He continuously threw a toy against the wall. He rolled off his bed. He kicked the wall. We watched. We intervened. We tried to keep him safe. We cried. We didn't give in to giving him the cap. Then he finally crashed after over an hour of insanity.
This is hard. I feel like that is the understatement of the century. All I want to do is the help him and take his pain away. I just want to help him communicate. I want to help him understand why he couldn't have the cap. If only I could help him process his emotions instead of him continuously trying to hurt himself. If it's hard for me to watch him struggle, I can't imagine how hard it is for Mason to try to navigate this world that doesn't make sense to him.
No matter how bad of a day he's had, the simple things that he loves make him happy. He will wake up tomorrow morning (after hopefully a good night of sleep) and give us one of his famous big smiles. He will give me a hug and let me hold him like a "baby." He will laugh and laugh at his favorite tv shows. He will babble goofy things and play silly games. And best of all, he will snuggle with us under his blanky with all his lovies. And I will take the happy moments. Then I will tell him over and over how much I love him. I will kiss the bruises on his forehead. Hopefully when another insane tantrum happens, he will have that love in his sweet little heart.
I asked myself if I wanted to share this with you all or if i just wrote this to help me process today. I thought about how this is autism awareness month. It's not "only bring awareness to the light-hearted, feel good stories of autism" month. I want to bring awareness to the reality of autism. The heart wrenching, difficult times as well as the beautiful times. Here's to the hope for a beautiful tomorrow.
Thanks for writing and sharing this with us. I'm sure I'm not the only one who will tell you my heart hurts with and for you and Zach, and especially for Mason. These days are like torture. Hope he wakes up tomorrow with his loving brightness. Hugs and love, my friends!
ReplyDeleteAgnes